is the website to use to find a mate/companion/friends.
The FAQs in the Help section act as a good hat for the website.
An Affinity Exchange Couple
Another Affinity Exchange Couple
ADVICE FROM MARCIA ON
HOW TO PLAY THE GAME
I Suggest you print and follow
YOUR ATTENTION SHOULD FIRST GO TOWARDS YOUR PICTURES (IF YOU DON'T
ALREADY HAVE GOOD PICTURES)
These are my helpful hints for taking good pictures:
1. Avoid flash. Shoot in daylight, in the shade, but with good
lighting. People tend to look good in front of green plants (trees,
bushes, etc.), or with a light-colored wall in the background,
ideally with some greenery as part of the shot. Shift
places/background/lighting/pose shot to shot so that if one doesn't
work, maybe the next will.
2. Hold the camera vertically so you get mostly person and least
scenery. Best to shoot from the hips or waist up, not just the face.
3. Girls, try putting one hand on your waist, cock your head a
little, and twinkle your eyes.
Guys, try putting one hand in your
pocket and stand relaxed. Another good guy pose is leaning against a
wall or tree with arms crossed over your chest, feet crossed, and
Another good pose is crouched with elbow on knee and chin resting on
fist. Shoot from knee/elbow up. Do some with full blown smile and
some with mouth closed, but with a half-smile (or hint of smile) and
One way to get a good smile is to tell the person to do a fake laugh
and then laugh at the fake laugh. Usually works well!
4. Wear good colors (avoid white) and clothing styles that show you
to advantage. Women should avoid sleeveless tops. If you have
beautiful legs, show them; if not, cover them. Solid colors are
better than prints.
Ideally, go to a professional photographer's studio and get the
works--makeup, lighting, etc.! Your picture is your first line of
promotion, so it's worth it to get a really good one. The more
aesthetic it is (without being unreal), the more it will attract and
help get a comm line in.
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TIPS ON HOW TO PLAY THE GAME
The idea is to have a "Maybe" list that is as long as possible. Put
in an age bracket that is as wide as possible and shop the world.
This should give you a fairly long list of prospects.
Then look at each Profile/Picture and ask yourself if you can say
"'No, never." If you can't say "No, never," then that person should
be on your Maybe list, so print the profile (at least the first
page). Continue doing this for all the profiles on your list.
Then take your stack of hardcopy profiles and spend some time
studying them. Take a red pen or highlighter and make
notes--outpoints, pluspoints--mark it up.
Then give each profile a number from 1 to 10 evaluating the match
potential--not their profile, but how much the two of you would be a
match. A "10" would mean that the two of you look like an excellent
match. A "5" would mean that the positives and negatives are pretty
Then arrange the profiles with the highest numbers on top. Make your
reaches from the top down. Remember that profiles are relatively
brief--just enough data to know who to be curious about. The purpose
of a dating service is to get two people face to face.
Make a note on a profile showing when you made your initial reach
and also the date of any "nudge" reaches. Remember that if a person
does not respond after two emails, you can appeal to customer
service for help.
You should send an email to your prospects along the lines of
"You're someone I'm curious about. I am ____(screen name). Please
look me up and let me know if you're curious about me."
Keep in mind that if you were interested in someone, you would hope
that person would be willing to meet with you face-to-face, if only
briefly, and allow you to interact and communicate as much as
possible. So please apply the Golden Rule as best you can.
There are numerous reasons why it is to your advantage to select as
well as being selected. One is simply the magic of outflow. Another
is that being cause is better than being effect or in waiting.
Then consider this: when people do their first searches, there are
certain people who are popular (just like in real life). She's young
and beautiful. He's rich and handsome.
Yes, these people are very popular. But maybe you didn't think it
through--these popular people reject most reaches! So Joe comes in,
makes his selections, sends out his letters, and gets some rejects,
some responses, meets some girls, but maybe 3-4 months later,
nothing has "clicked," and things have quieted down.
Then one day he checks his email, and there's your letter. Wow!
Someone reached. You think he's going to give it his full attention?
Very likely. The chances of his responding are probably higher than
when he first started playing the game. Thus there's a time/timing
factor involved. Therefore I suggest that you keep the flows flowing
both ways--pick and be picked.
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"Dating" is defined as "Informal: To make or have a social
engagement with (a person of the opposite) sex." (American Heritage
My expanded definition is: "Spending time with a person of the
opposite sex with the purpose of finding out if that person could
become a long-time mate."
Sometimes I talk to someone and they tell me they are dating. "Are
any of these dates potential mates?" I ask. "Not really," they
answer. "Then you aren't dating. You are going out with friends," I
reply. This distinction will make for better duplication and
When both parties are in the same geographical area, I recommend
that a first face-to-face meeting be very brief and very
inexpensive, e.g. meet for coffee.
So often people know within minutes of meeting that they would have
no romantic interest in the other person.
The product of the first brief meeting, which I like to call a
"pre-date," is to see if there is enough mutual interest to then
have a real date.
Now and then someone originates that he/she feels funny about dating
more than one person at the same time. My viewpoint is this:
You are in the process of looking for the right person.
The dating service allows you to start with quantity, from which
will come quality, and finally viability.
Thus you should put out LOTS of lines of communication, which leads
to lots of "pre-dates," from which you find out with whom there is
mutual interest. Then you would start dating that person, or those
Yes, I consider it is okay to date more than one person during the
early phase of getting to know each other well enough to know if
someone is a potential mate.
You should be able to determine when in a courtship it is
appropriate to date one person to the exclusion of others.
At this point you should put your profile in Suspend mode so that it
does not come up in a Search. If you are unsure, then call me and
I'll help advise you. Certainly at the point you get intimate with
someone you should go into Suspend mode.
Dating should continue until there's enough data and experience to
know whether the relationship will work or not. If you're not sure,
then you probably need more data and/or experience together.
You should date until you get engaged/married or until one or the
other person knows for sure, no doubts or reservations, that it is
not going to "go the route" (i.e. results in a long-term committed
relationship, or whatever the stated social goal is).
Another given is that you should be honest and open about who you
are dating and that you are in communication with various people
when such is the case.
Now and then someone tells me they hate dating. Personally, I've
always enjoyed dating, so it made me look at what makes dating
enjoyable. First, by applying the "pre-date" guideline, one can
avoid being "stuck" with the wrong person for hours. Otherwise, as
long as there is mutual interest, you should spend time together and
find out what is needed and wanted and see if you can deliver.
CAUTION: Don't be too picky or critical in the early stages of the
I heard from one of my happy couples about how close they came to
missing each other: He selected her, they had their first meeting,
and his report to me was somewhat negative; so was hers. However, he
realized he was unsure about her, so knew they should have another
date. They went out to dinner and this time everything clicked.
Here's what another client reported: "I have a win. I wrote to
somebody who then called me. On the phone I thought, 'He's too old.
He sounds old.' I figured I could tell if he was my type by just
talking with him on the phone. But he wanted to meet ... My first
impression was, 'Nope, he's not my type.' I could tell just by
looking that he wasn't my type. We went to a restaurant and talked.
It was awkward for me, but we talked.
"I couldn't believe it, but right before my eyes, he got cuter and
cuter! The way he laughed was great. ... By actually spending some
time with him, the affinity came in. And it was amazing just
watching this affinity with another person grow as we talked. I'm
very very glad I didn't stop at the phone call. In fact, I wish it
were mandatory to spend a little time with the person before saying
"no way." ... It definitely would take more confront, but in the
long run would be well worth the effort put into it. It proved to me
that you really can't tell who is for you and who isn't just by
looking at a picture."
IT'S THE COMMUNICATION, BEING TO BEING, THAT IS ESSENTIAL.
We need to remind ourselves that communication is senior to
everything else. Apply good manners and the Golden Rule. I worry
that clients are too stuck in their "pictures" and thereby miss some
very wonderful beings--thus my constant advice to not be too picky
in the early stages.
Know your ideal scene, but also know that considerations can and do
Play the hypothesis game, that is, hypothesize that the relationship
is good and then dig for "fatal flaws." Age? Children? Geography?
Career goals? Finances? It's okay to invade someone's privacy. You
have a right to know. It's easy to go out and have fun together; but
if you think you might really be an item, try to get into the
realities of life and see how you handle problems.
Another policy I have found useful is the following: If the
relationship is not workable AS YOU ARE, don't tie the knot.
People can change, but one cannot be sure that they will or know how
long it might take to bring about those changes. So better to make
sure you're a good match as you are, then if changes for the better
occur, it's a bonus!
I remember reading a magazine article in which a Chicago matchmaker
was quoted as saying, "Only a 10 can ask for a 10."
It's true that when one reads through the profiles, one gets the
feeling that "everyone" is looking for/demanding a 10. Yet, I can
tell you that the percentage of my clients who might be classified
as a 10 is about 1/2 of 1% (or less)!
Most people are not 10's. The world is full of married people and
couples, very few of whom are 10's. So how did these relationships
come to be?
THEY MET AND COMMUNICATED! And that's all a dating service is there
to do: help people meet and get into communication! When
communication is good and realities are shared, AFFINITY goes up.
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One of the best abilities a dating service player can have is the
ability to reject and be rejected hundreds of times over without it
being a problem.
Keep in mind that if you can't yourself handle being rejected, you
can always talk with a friend or go see a trained counselor who can
help you recover.
Better to play the game, confront, experience and learn from it than
not to play the game at all!
REJECTION is the biggest button, and the hardest thing to confront
in this game. Who likes being rejected? Who likes rejecting another?
And yet to be a successful player of the dating service game, one
needs the ability to reject and be rejected HUNDREDS OF TIMES OVER
without it being a problem.
In the world, rejection happens all the time. He asks her to dance.
She says no. She flirts with him. He ignores her. It happens
directly. It happens indirectly.
Given that each individual has a very specific set of needs and
wants, getting two people's sets to mesh is quite a challenge! Yet
it does happen.
So someone signs up, picks a bunch of people, and outflows. The main
complaint that I get is lack of response. Sometimes no one at all
responds! Not only is it bad manners, but it tends to give the
service a bad reputation! It creates an incomplete cycle of
communication and leaves people hung up in mystery. Did he get it?
What did he think? Is it a no, or is he just slow to respond
I have found that when a person gets a rejection letter that is
mannerly and friendly, he/she is quite happy with it. Those people
can now be friends.
A standard rejection letter should be straightforward and simple.
Here's an example--bare bones (Okay to copy this, tweak it to make
it your own, and use it rather than not respond):
“Thank you very much for contacting me. I have looked over your
profile and photo. You have many good qualities. However, overall it
is not close enough to what I am looking for (or 'it doesn't quite
fit my needs and wants'). I wish you success in your search
for the right person."
So now they know you did get their reach, you did consider it, and
you made your decision. Fair enough. On to the next.
Realize that most people understand (or will after they read this)
that REJECTION IS ROUTINE in a dating service. It's the norm. It's
what's expected. You're going to reject bunches of them, and bunches
of them are going to reject you. So what? Don't take it personally,
know what I mean? After all, they're not really rejecting YOU.
They're rejecting your profile and picture. Something doesn't fit
their needs and wants (at least they don't think so).
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Here's my advice on how to handle what I call "out-of-town"
Reaches often occur to people outside one's area, that is, not
within driving distance. If the profiles and pictures pass the test
(both ways), then phone conversations should occur. If these go
well, the geography issue should be discussed right away.
Hypothesize: If we met and were an item in every other respect, who
If the geography problem seems handleable, then more conversations
should ensue regarding needs and wants, goals and purposes, etc. If
these seem to align, then it would be smart to find a way to see
each other talking (e.g. computer video cameras).
If both like what they see, then plans should be made to meet. With
the proper groundwork laid, by the time you spend a day or weekend
together, you should be able to determine whether it will end there
or move forward.
One advantage to long distance courtships is that the distance
forces communication to go in first—that is, the BEINGS really go
into communication. If a lot of affinity develops first, then often
when the couple meets, physical imperfections are more easily
WARNING! I have heard a few sad stories where the couple got so
carried away over the phone, that they nearly got engaged without
ever having met. Then when they did meet, it fell apart within
minutes, and now they had to be together for a couple of days or
more--not a comfortable situation!
It could have been avoided by following the above guidelines, and by
keeping the phone comm brief and conservative, at least until you've
met and know there is ongoing interest.
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“IT’S NOT WORKING FOR ME!”
Now and then over the years someone using a dating service will say,
"It isn’t working for me." I knew this was illogical, but I needed
to examine it. A client’s goal is to find the right person with whom
to create a relationship.
The value of a matchmaking service is that it can provide people
with lots of prospects—especially people you would never know
existed otherwise. But a dating service cannot promise you a match.
What it can and should provide is an affluence of prospects. Some
people are very hard to match! But the more difficult the match, the
more reason to use every means imaginable to find him or her!
Most dating services these days are internet services. The profile
usually allows a person to post a few photos, one of which shows
with the profile itself. This photo is your first line of promotion.
Beings love pictures—especially aesthetic ones.
Thus I counsel people to do whatever necessary to get photos that
are flattering to them, without being unreal. It would be good to
look at a bunch of photos on a site and notice which ones attract
your attention and which ones tend to repel.
Digital cameras are pretty amazing. However, I’ve noticed that the
photos which are real close up face shots using flash (which makes
the skin look shiny and pink and shows up every mole and blemish and
whisker) are pretty scary! I advise people to shoot outside in
daylight, thus avoiding flash, and shoot from the hips or waist up.
So when someone says, "It doesn’t work for me," I tend to answer,
"What?! Are your pictures of good quality? Are you looking at the
new people signing up every week? Are you cutting your nose hairs
and wearing your deodorant? Are you losing those pounds you want ed
to lose? Are you improving your mind and your spirit?"
This gives them the idea that they need to keep working on
themselves so that they’re able to meet the needs and wants of the
people they pick. It’s not what you think they should need and
want—it’s what they say they need and want.
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Well, my friends, here's my current viewpoints on the subject. Note,
these are MY viewpoints. For one thing, I do believe that aesthetics
are a major part of the game, on many dynamics.
I think we all should strive to create an aesthetic mockup as it's
more pleasing, rewarding, and sets a good example.
Obviously, the game is to find out what the opposite sex wants and
provide it. Most people (read the profiles) want a mate who is in
good physical shape.
There are many, many weight loss programs. If you want to lose
weight, I suggest you research to find which program works best for
I recommend consulting with people knowledgeable about nutrition and
go for the goal of optimum health, which usually results in optimum
Remember also that there have been times and places where plumpness
was considered desirable and skinny people would have been
considered undesirable. This goes to show how much considerations
affect one's point of view!
Obesity, as you all probably know, is a growing problem. A majority
of the populace are overweight. Most married people are overweight,
but they're still married. You don't have to be skinny to have a
good relationship. So, I say:
DATE! PLAY THE GAME! It's a good way to motivate and inspire you if
you are on a program. As a being, work to out-create the physical.
Most overweight people DO have relationships, so you needn't let it
be a stop in your game to find a mate. It's your game. Create it!
I hope all this has been of help to you!
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